How To Move On After A Relationship Ends

How-To

Feb 24

5 Strategies for Healing After a Breakup

Breakups can be one of life's most challenging experiences…

Often leaving us feeling lost and unsure of how to move forward. The journey of healing a broken heart is uniquely personal, requiring both introspection and action. While the pain can feel overwhelming, heartbreak can also present an opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and renewal.

In this guide, we’ll explore five essential tips for coping with a breakup: from finding solace in literature and embracing the natural process of grief, to evaluating your past relationship realistically, understanding the neuroscience of emotions, and seeking new experiences post-breakup that foster healing. By acknowledging your pain and actively engaging in your recovery, you can emerge from heartbreak not just intact, but transformed.

Tip 1: Find Solace in Reading

There is immense power in literature. In my own moments of profound heartache, visiting a library or bookstore felt like stepping into a sanctuary for my soul. The simple act of opening a book allowed me to connect mentally with various authors who had experienced pain similar to mine. Even if they didn’t have all the answers, just knowing I could share in their questioning and exploration brought a soothing relief to my heartache. Whether through fiction, nonfiction, or self-help, immersing myself in the words of others provided me with a sense of companionship and understanding during my struggles.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.”
-James Baldwin

Books as a refuge from Isolation

When we experience suffering, particularly in the context of lost relationships, it can feel as if our pain is unique and unparalleled. Books offer us a bridge to connect with the shared human experience. Knowing that others have faced and overcome similar struggles can bring a sense of comfort and validation, reminding us that we are not alone in our experiences.

Understanding of our Emotions

Literature also helps illuminate complex emotions like grief, anger, and hope, helping us gain deeper understanding of emotions. There’s also something about being able to engage with emotions at a distance, or by proxy through someone else, especially when our own feelings feel overwhelming. It allows us to observe pain from a safe space which becomes the precursor to being with our own.

Perspective shifts

When our emotions feel so intense, we can often become myopic, viewing ourselves through an unkind lens that convinces us there’s something fundamentally wrong with us or that we are unlovable. By following a protagonist who experiences similar struggles, we are invited to root for them and feel their journey deeply. This connection can encourage us to extend that same compassion to ourselves, helping us to reframe our own narrative and inspiring us to view your own circumstances in a different light.

Drawing Strength from Others

As we engage with the narratives of characters or real-life figures, we can identify the valuable life lessons embedded in their stories and apply these insights to our own situations. We can also draw strength from their experiences. Because when we feel lost and broken, it’s natural to doubt our own ability to bounce back. Here we can lean on the resilience of others and learn from their paths.

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Ultimately, literature offers a profound means of connection and healing. Through the stories we read, we can find comfort in shared experiences, deepen our understanding of our emotions, and draw inspiration from the resilience of others. In this way, books not only illuminate our path through heartbreak but also empower us to navigate our own journeys toward healing and growth. (Recommended reading for dealing with relationship endings can be found at the end of this article.)

Tip 2- Embrace The grief

Grief is going to hurt there is no way around it. There were times in my life where I thought that I could somehow just will the grief away, distracting myself with busyness and pretending that everything was fine. I pushed it down, tried to ignore it, believing that if I just avoided the pain long enough, it would eventually fade. I see now how much that bottled up pain prolonged my suffering.

I wish I could go back to that version of myself and just help her lean into it. I would tell her that while giving in may amplify the heartache in the moment, there's also a strange form of liberation that comes when we stop resisting our emotions.

“Heartbreak asks us not to look for an alternative path, because there is no alternative path. It is an introduction to what we love and have loved, an inescapable and often beautiful question, something and someone that has been with us all along, asking us to be ready for the ultimate letting go.”
-David Whyte

Grief as a Natural part of existence

While it may be tempting to bypass or avoid the pain, the reality is that it will persist, whether we acknowledge it or not. Suppressing these emotions means they remain unprocessed, creating a burden that can resurface unexpectedly and with greater intensity later. Not only that but in our efforts to evade grief, we usually resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms. While these may provide temporary relief, they can lead to additional complications in our lives.

Grief as a way to honor your heart

Ultimately, grief is a powerful reminder of our capacity to love deeply. By honoring your grief, you acknowledge the profound love you held for someone. This grief is a testament to the depth of that love, and deserves to be acknowledged and celebrated, even amidst the pain of loss.

Grief as a teacher

Grief often teaches lessons about vulnerability, strength, and the transient nature of life and relationships. Many people emerge from grief with a deeper understanding of themselves (that is if they do not stall the grief process). That’s because grief reveals our vulnerabilities and shows us how deeply we can feel emotions. This exposure to our emotional depths can be unsettling, but it also opens the door to authenticity.

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In essence, embracing grief is not just a pathway to healing; it's a process that allows us to honor our experiences and grow from them. It is a fundamental aspect of being human, reminding us of our capacity to love deeply and to heal over time. Acknowledging your grief can be a transformative experience, leading you to a greater understanding of love, loss, and ultimately, yourself.

tip 3- Realistic Evaluation

I’ve noticed that many people going through a breakup can fall into the trap glossing over the tough times and only accentuating the positive moments. I’ve experienced this myself. Grief can often bring with it a sense of gratitude, oddly enough, which can be a beautiful thing. However, this focus on the good can sometimes go too far, hindering our ability to integrate essential truths. If we concentrate solely on the happy memories, we risk missing valuable lessons from the relationship that can facilitate our growth.

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”
-Steven Maraboli

“Love is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t no love at all.”
-Toni Morrison

Realistic and holistic evaluation

Every relationship has something to teach, whether it's about our needs, boundaries, or the qualities we appreciate in a partner. By zooming out and evaluating a past relationship, you can extract valuable lessons that contribute to your personal development and future relationship choices. Identifying and articulating how you really felt during difficult phases of the relationship can lead to an integrated way of healing, possibly allowing you to express any unresolved feelings and validate experiences that you minimized in an attempt to maintain connection.

Recognizing Idealization

Idealization occurs when you focus solely on the positive aspects or memories of a relationship, overlooking or downplaying any negative experiences. Pay attention to how you recount the relationship to yourself or others. If your narrative glosses over conflicts, mistakes, or hurt feelings and focuses on idyllic moments, you may be idealizing your past. Acknowledge these thoughts and remind yourself that this is not the whole story. Recognize that idealizing can lead to emotional stagnation

Avoid Negative Ruminating

It's essential to differentiate between helpful reflection and negative rumination. While reflection allows for constructive analysis, ruminating involves dwelling on regrets or replaying painful memories without resolution. Set boundaries for your reflections; allow yourself to analyze but also know when to step away and give yourself grace.

Acceptance of Reality

Embracing the reality of the relationship—its great moments along with and its difficult moments—promotes acceptance. This acceptance of reality is vital for moving on, as it prevents you from getting stuck in a cycle of denial or nostalgia for something that may not have been as perfect as you remembered

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**Post-morteming a relationship realistically allows for necessary understanding and healing, while also providing a safeguard against the pitfalls of idealization. By fostering a balanced and honest perspective, you create the opportunity for personal growth and open the door for healthier future relationships. Recognizing idealization and confronting it can be challenging, but it is integral to moving forward in a healthier and more authentic way.

Tip 4: Understand your body

Falling in love is not just emotional, it’s physiological, according to research. Thus, navigating the emotional landscape of a breakup can be incredibly challenging, and understanding the neuroscience involved can provide valuable insight into the experience. You are not mentally or emotionally weak. Breakups challenge not just your mental resilience, but your entire body as well. Gaining awareness of what’s happening at a cellular level during a breakup can help you contextualize your struggles and make sense of the difficulties you’re facing.

“With time the pain eases, the body recovers and the brain figures out new ways to go on.”
-Frederico Chini

The Interconnectedness of Emotional and Physical Pain

One of the most fascinating aspects of the neuroscience of breakups is how emotional pain can manifest as physical pain. Research indicates that our emotional experiences are deeply intertwined with our physiological responses. After a breakup, heightened stress and hormonal changes can lead to feelings of emotional turmoil, which can be felt in the body.

Neuroscientific studies have shown that social rejection and emotional distress activate the same regions of the brain that are involved in processing physical pain. Specifically, areas like the anterior cingulate cortex light up when we experience emotional hurt, explaining why a breakup can feel so physically painful. This overlap makes it clear that our brain doesn't differentiate between emotional and physical suffering during times of significant loss.

Disruption of the Attachment System

A breakup profoundly disrupts the brain’s attachment system, which governs feelings of safety and security in our relationships. Hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin, which foster bonding and attachment, can be drastically affected. The sudden withdrawal of these chemicals can leave us feeling vulnerable and unsettled.

The Impact of Dopamine

Relationships often activate the brain's reward system, leading to the release of dopamine—the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. When a relationship ends, the abrupt decrease in dopamine levels can contribute to feelings of emptiness and a loss of joy. The contrast between the highs of being in a relationship and the lows of its absence can be jarring, intensifying the emotional aftermath.

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Understanding the neuroscience behind a breakup can provide clarity as you navigate the complexities of heartbreak. By recognizing how intertwined emotional and physical experiences are, you can approach your healing process with greater empathy for yourself. Remember that while the pain may feel overwhelming now, the brain has a remarkable capacity to adapt and heal over time.

Tip 5: Explore New Things

Breakups make you feel like your life is getting smaller. Learning helps remind you that there is more out there, that your life can still expand. Engaging in learning—whether through formal education, online courses, or picking up new hobbies—can broaden your perspective, reminding you that there is much more to explore outside of the confines of a past relationship. Acquiring new skills or knowledge boosts your self-esteem and confidence. It reinforces the idea that you are capable of growing and adapting, which can combat feelings of insecurity that often accompany a breakup.

“Every time your heart is broken, a doorway cracks open to a world full of new beginnings, new opportunities.”
-Patti Roberts

Ignite Curiosity and Passions

Exploring new subjects can spark curiosity and revive passions you may not have realized you had. This intellectual stimulation can help counter feelings of stagnation, allowing you to envision a broader and more exciting future for yourself. When you immerse yourself in learning, you cultivate a sense of competence in new areas, expanding your identity and potential. Feeling competent in new areas of your life expands your sense of self and what you can achieve.

Create new Reward Pathways

Earlier I mentioned that when a relationship ends, the abrupt decrease in dopamine levels can contribute to feelings of emptiness and a loss of joy. Engaging in new activities, hobbies, and social connections can activate the brain’s reward pathways, providing new sources of joy and satisfaction that help to counteract the pain of the breakup.

Restoration of Agency

Learning empowers you to take control of your life post-breakup. While you may have not had choice or agency in some aspects of the breakup, choosing where you want your energy to go gives you a sense of agency over your life by pursuing interests aligned with your values and desires.

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Breakups can make life feel smaller, but engaging in learning and exploration serves as a powerful antidote. It not only expands your horizons but also nourishes your mind, rekindles your sense of identity, and helps you navigate the healing process with renewed enthusiasm. By actively seeking knowledge and new experiences, you can reestablish a fulfilling life that reflects your evolving self.

Book RECOMMENDATIONS for those going through a breakup

NOVELS

Heartburn by Nora Ephron

Get Over It Corinne Much

The Places I’ve Cried in Public Holly Bourne

Love in the time of Cholera Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The love affairs of Nathaniel P Adele Waldman

The Days of Abandonment Elena Ferrante

High Fidelity - Nick Hornby

Dept of Speculation - Jenny Offill

The Wedding People -

Bluets- Maggie Nelson

On Love- Alain De Botton

SELF-HELP

Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow-Elizabeth Lesser

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times-Pema Chödrön

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar- Cheryl Strayed

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life- Susan Anderson

The Wisdom of a Broken Heart: An Uncommon Guide to Healing, Insight, and Love- Susan Piver

Additional Resources

Six systems involved in breakup:

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/six-brain-systems-you-need-to-know-if-youre-going_b_577f581be4b0f06648f48a8b?6pfsh44fz24zaxajor=

Science of love;

https://www.psypost.org/new-insights-into-the-science-of-love-how-our-brains-reward-system-influences-romantic-feelings/

References:

Fisher HE, Brown LL, Aron A, Strong G, & Mashek D.J., (2010) Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Neurophysiology. July 104 (1):51-60.

Gehl K, Brassard A, Dugal C, Lefebvre AA, Daigneault I, Francoeur A, Lecomte T. Attachment and Breakup Distress: The Mediating Role of Coping Strategies. Emerg Adulthood. 2024 Feb;12(1):41-54. doi: 10.1177/21676968231209232. Epub 2023 Oct 18. PMID: 38124712; PMCID: PMC10727987.

Rinne P, Lahnakoski JM, Saarimäki H, Tavast M, Sams M, Henriksson L. Six types of loves differentially recruit reward and social cognition brain areas. Cereb Cortex. 2024 Aug 1;34(8):bhae331. doi: 10.1093/cercor/bhae331. PMID: 39183646; PMCID: PMC11345515.