How to Love Yourself
A Guide to Cultivating Healthy Self-Love that Fosters Genuine Connection with Yourself and Others
The concept of self-love is frequently discussed these days, but what does it truly entail?
How does it feel, and how can you recognize when you're genuinely practicing self-love? Moreover, do you really need self-love, or will it make you selfish or narcissistic?
If these questions have crossed your mind, you're not alone. The good news is that self-love is a skill you can cultivate—and, no, when done with intentionality, it does not lead to narcissism. True self-love empowers us to nurture our hearts and minds while fostering a sense of connection and responsibility toward those around us.
History of self love
Historically perceived as a moral failing, the concept of self-love was often overshadowed by the notions of self-denial and sacrifice. Past generations, including our parents and their predecessors, were primarily focused on proving their worth through relentless hard work and selflessness. With deep roots in religious teachings that valued humility and the welfare of others over individual happiness, the idea of putting one's own needs first was often seen as selfish or wrong. Though there has seen a big shift since then, many of us have grown up in families where these messages might have been implicitly communicated.
Differentiating Self-Love from Narcissism
In my discussions about self-love with clients, a common concern is the fear of becoming narcissistic. While I acknowledge that the concept of self-love has been taken to extremes in recent years—potentially promoting unhealthy prioritizing oneself over the consideration of others— It's vital to clarify that while an unhealthy focus on oneself can lead to narcissistic traits, genuine self-love is fundamentally different.
Narcissism often arises from a lack of authentic self-love, leading people to seek validation externally. This behavior manifests as an excessive emphasis on external factors to boost self-esteem. True self-love, on the other hand, nurtures what is within and doesn't depend on outside validation. It builds a more profound sense of self-worth and connection with oneself and others.
The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself, everything that you want you already are.
-Rumi
What Self-Love Is Not
Let’s continue the discussion of what Self-love is not. It's important to clarify misconceptions, as many of them can lead to unhealthy behaviors or mindsets. Let’s explore these misunderstandings to gain a clearer perspective.
Self-Love is Not Selfishness
Let’s reestablish this one, while self-love promotes a healthy appreciation for oneself, selfishness typically involves an exaggerated sense of self-importance at the expense of others’ feelings and needs. A selfish person may prioritize their own desires and ambitions without consideration for how their actions impact those around them. This lack of empathy can damage relationships.
Self-Love Does Not Mean Complete Self-Reliance
In his book Intraconnected, Daniel Siegel emphasizes that our society often prioritizes separation over connection. Many hold the misconception that self-love requires complete self reliance, but in reality, true self-love nurtures connection and fosters interdependence with others.
Self-Love is Not a License for Toxic Behavior
When misused as a justification for specific behaviors, self-love can contribute to toxicity in relationships. It’s important to remember that self-love should not shield us from accountability or empathy towards others. In this Huffington Post article, we see the ways that Self- love can become toxic
Self-Love Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Self-Improvement
Self-love does not entail evading self-improvement or ignoring our flaws. Believing we have nothing to learn or improve upon can lead to inflated egos and stunted growth. Acknowledging areas for development is essential; it's about recognizing our shortcomings without falling into a spiral of self-criticism. True self-love encourages personal growth rather than stagnation.
Self-Love is Not About Overly Enforcing Boundaries
While boundaries are important, having too many can create isolation. When we overly focus on protecting ourselves from any discomfort, we also may unintentionally alienate ourselves from others. As highlighted in this Time article, an unhealthy obsession with self-love can contribute to feelings of loneliness.
What self-love is
Now that we’ve clarified what self-love isn’t, let’s embark on an exploration of what it truly is. While many might label self-love as a modern trend, a deeper dive reveals its rich and enduring presence throughout history. Thinkers, poets, and philosophers from various eras have consistently championed the concept, emphasizing its fundamental role in personal development and well-being.
Take Khalil Gibran, —a timeless voice of wisdom. He reminds us that “Your self is your refuge. You are the truth you seek.” This notion deeply resonates with the concept of self-love as the truths and insights we often search for externally can actually be discovered by delving further inside of ourself. This path of self-discovery plays a vital role in cultivating self-love.Similarly, Rumi invites us to look inward, declaring, “The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want you already are.”
Moving into the 20th century, we encounter Erich Fromm, whose book The Sane Society expands on this theme beautifully. He argues, “If I can say, ‘I love you,’ I say, ‘I love in you all of humanity, all that is alive; I love in you also myself.’” Here, Fromm reveals a compelling truth: self-love is not selfishness; rather, it is the antidote to it. He urges us to recognize that selfishness often stems from a lack of genuine self-acceptance and that true love—paradoxically—nurtures our independence and strength while fostering deep connections with others.
Through these varied reflections, we come to understand that self-love transcends mere actions; it embodies a profound recognition of our innate worth and a heartfelt celebration of who we are. Embracing self-love empowers us to live authentically and enriches our journey through life, redefining our relationships with ourselves and those around us.
Your self is your refuge. You are the truth you seek
-Khalil Gibran
The Components of Self-Love
While we must give credit to poets, philosophers, and mystics, for deepening our understanding of this subject, we also have humanistic psychologists who provide a clear framework for understanding it, which can be broken down into four essential components:
Self-Contact : This involves engaging in self-reflection and exploring our inner world. By confronting our fears and anxieties instead of avoiding them, we cultivate curiosity about our true desires and reactions. This self-discovery enhances our self-awareness and helps us harmonize the various—often contradictory—aspects of our identity.
Self-Acceptance : Embracing who we are, with all our imperfections, allows us to fully experience the range of human emotions. It encourages us to stop comparing ourselves to others and recognize our unique paths. Self-acceptance is about granting ourselves permission to be authentic.
Self-Care : Practicing self-care involves prioritizing our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This can take many forms, including setting healthy boundaries, nurturing ourselves, and pursuing the things that light a fire inside.
Self-Compassion : This additional component involves being gentle and understanding with ourselves, especially during moments of struggle. Self-compassion means recognizing that it’s okay to be imperfect and treating ourselves with the same kindness we would extend to a friend. It invites us to embrace our vulnerabilities and offers a comforting voice in times of difficulty.
When you find love, you will find yourself... Stop searching here and there, the Jewels are inside you. This, my friends, is the holy meaning of love
-Rumi
Bringing It All Together
Self-love is more than just a passing trend or buzzword; it is a fundamental part of our humanity that invites us to honor the journey of growth and self-discovery that our souls experience. By offering ourselves love, we acknowledge that our struggles and imperfections are essential aspects of our humanity.
While self-love might sound like an abstract concept, at its core, self-love is a learnable attitude rooted in self-kindness. It involves fostering a compassionate relationship with ourselves and exercising patience with ourselves during challenging times.
Furthermore, authentic self-love deepens our connection and sense of responsibility toward others. Throughout history, the philosophers and poets I've mentioned emphasize that recognizing the divine within ourselves serves as a pathway to feeling interconnected with the larger universe. This self-and-other-connection-synergy creates a feedback loop: the more we engage in self-care, the better equipped we are to nurture our relationships. Conversely, the stronger our connections to others, the more we feel encouraged to practice self-love. This dynamic highlights the essence of healthy self-love, which manifests in our sense of connection to both our own bodies and the communities in which we belong.
How to Cultivate Healthy Self-Love
So, how can we foster healthy self-love? Here are some tips:
1) Learn to Be With Your Emotions.
Recognizing our feelings as valid responses to various situations affirms our humanity and emphasizes that experiencing a wide range of emotions is a natural part of life. By respecting our emotions instead of dismissing or ignoring them, we foster self-acceptance and allow ourselves to embrace our vulnerabilities. This practice helps us gain deeper insights into our thoughts, behaviors, and triggers, making it easier to identify the patterns that inform our choices.
Additionally, being present with our emotions enhances our emotional regulation skills. It allows us to acknowledge and process our feelings in a healthy way, reducing the risk of impulsive reactions that may harm ourselves or others. Ultimately, learning to be with our emotions creates the necessary space and time for healthy processing, ensuring that unprocessed feelings don't overflow and negatively impact those around us.
Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
-Lao Tzu
2) Embracing Self-Gratitude
Many individuals find themselves caught in an endless pursuit of "more"—more achievements, more success, more validation. From an early age, society teaches us that we are not enough as we are; we need higher test scores, advanced degrees, impressive job titles, and a relentless drive for perfection in our looks and accomplishments. This mindset cultivates a false sense of inadequacy that can significantly harm our self-esteem.
It’s crucial to recognize how easily we fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. When we engage in this cycle of comparison, we risk losing sight of our own inherent worth. By intentionally practicing self-gratitude, we can shift our focus from what we lack to what we currently possess and have accomplished. Acknowledging our achievements allows us to challenge the belief that we must constantly strive for more to feel worthy, helping us find greater ease in the present moment.
Consider how a younger version of yourself would perceive your current circumstances—it may help you tap into a sense of appreciation for the growth and the hurdles you have surmounted. Taking a step back and viewing your life from a new perspective can enhance your appreciation for your unique journey, achievements, and challenges. Shift your focus from what you believe you lack to what you have achieved, allowing yourself to embrace the richness of your experiences, even if you are not yet where you would like to be.
3) Identifying the Origins of Unhelpful Narratives
At birth, we come into the world believing in our value and deserving of love. However, as we grow, external influences—like societal expectations, familial beliefs, and past traumas—can lead us to develop a distorted self-image.
At some point, you may have internalized negative narratives about yourself, adopting beliefs such as “I’m unlovable because...” This belief can stem from specific events, criticisms, or failures that caused you to question your worth. Over time, you may have constructed an entire narrative around this belief, allowing it to shape your identity and influence your actions. Locating where the story started involves tracing back to the moment or experience when you began to lose your connection to your inherent worthiness
The first step in reclaiming your truth is to recognize these limiting stories for what they truly are: misguided interpretations of your worth stemming from challenging moments that you internalized. When the thought of being unlovable resurfaces, acknowledge it with observation. Remind yourself that this narrative is just a story, one that you’ve mistakenly believed for far too long. By affirming your intrinsic value every time the story comes up, you can dismantle that unhelpful narrative. This reclamation of self-love empowers you to reconnect with your true essence, allowing you to live authentically and embrace your worthiness without needing to earn it through external validation.
4) Discovering How to Fulfill Your Own Needs
This goes with the above. Building self-love starts with listening to your inner voice and recognizing what brings you joy and fulfillment. It involves identifying the qualities and experiences you’ve sought from others—such as validation, care, and understanding—and realizing that you have the power to meet those needs for yourself (not exclusively- we also need safe relationships for this).
Moreover, learning to provide for the emotional needs you had as a child is a transformative practice that nurtures and cares for your inner child. Many of our emotional wounds stem from childhood, often due to unmet needs or experiences of neglect, sadness, or abandonment. "Re-parenting" involves reconnecting with that vulnerable inner child and providing the nurturing and love that may have been absent.
When you "care for Little You," you do so with compassion and a commitment to protect that part of yourself. This means making a promise not to abandon that inner child again. You honor this promise by setting healthy boundaries, trusting your instincts, and prioritizing your own needs—both as an adult and as the child within you. By adopting this self-care approach, you not only heal past wounds but also strengthen your connection to your true self. Ultimately, this practice empowers you to cultivate a sense of safety and love from within.
“My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am.”
― Anaïs Nin
5) The Importance of Solitude in Cultivating Self-Love
Finding solitude is essential for nurturing self-love. In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to lose sight of your true self and your needs. Taking time alone allows you to disconnect from external distractions and influences. In this quiet space, you have the opportunity for self-reflection, enabling you to explore your thoughts and feelings without the noise of outside opinions. Solitude also facilitates a reconnection with your core self—your passions, interests, and desires.
Moreover, solitude can be deeply restorative. Just as our bodies require rest, our emotional and mental well-being needs time to rejuvenate. Being alone provides you with the chance to unwind, indulge in activities you love, and revitalize your spirit, all of which strengthen your relationship with yourself.
Ultimately, seeking solitude empowers you and reinforces your sense of autonomy. It serves as a reminder that your worth is inherent and not contingent on the judgments or validation of others. This sense of empowerment is a fundamental aspect of self-love.
6) Treating Ourselves with Kindness in Challenging Times
Approaching ourselves with gentleness and understanding, particularly during tough moments, significantly enhances our ability to bounce back from setbacks. Practicing self-kindness fosters healthier coping mechanisms, guiding us away from harmful behaviors. Through compassionate self-talk, we can improve our decision-making, encouraging us to seek support and engage in self-care practices that promote healing.
Moreover, being kind to ourselves helps us shift our focus from negative emotions to more positive and nurturing thoughts. This positive transformation can greatly enhance our emotional well-being, allowing us to process our feelings more effectively and incorporate healing into our lives.
Additionally, showing kindness to ourselves during adversity strengthens our relationship with ourselves and reinforces the belief that we are deserving of love and care, even in the face of challenges.
7) Harnessing Your Own Voice as a Tool
Using your own voice as a writing tool means connecting with your authentic self and sharing your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or restriction. This process helps you uncover and nurture the inner voice that may be muffled by outside influences or self-doubt.
One effective way to explore this inner voice is through free writing. By writing spontaneously—without concerns about grammar, structure, or how your words may be received—you create a safe space where your thoughts can flow freely. As you write, you may find clarity on your emotions, gain insights into your challenges, and deepen your understanding of yourself. This practice can help you discover the loving and compassionate voice within you, one that recognizes your worth and supports your journey. Ultimately, through the act of writing, you connect with your true self, fostering a sense of empowerment and nurturing your overall well-being.
BOOKS ON SELF LOVE
: 1. “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown - Embrace your imperfections and cultivate self-worth and love through Brown's powerful insights
. 2. “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” by Kristin Neff** - Explore the importance of self-compassion and how it can enhance well-being and resilience in your life.
3. “Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine” by Gail Honeyman - Follow Eleanor on her journey of overcoming loneliness and trauma, ultimately recognizing the value of self-love and connection.
4. “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho - A beautiful parable about pursuing your dreams and embracing the journey of self-discovery and love.
5. “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero - An empowering self-help book filled with engaging storytelling that encourages readers to embrace their true selves.
6. “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed - A memoir describing Strayed’s transformative journey while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, resulting in profound self-discovery and healing.
7. “The Path to Self-Love” by Ruby Dahl - Discover practical strategies and insights to foster a deeper relationship with yourself and your true worth.
8. “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm - A classic exploration into the nature of love and relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-love in the ability to love others.
Each of these books offers unique perspectives and tools for personal growth and loving yourself more fully. Enjoy your reading journey!
HI, I’M ANGELICA MAGANA, LMFT
My own path toward healing led me to explore many different avenues of wellness. Ultimately, I found that there is not one path but, instead, many different instruments for attaining health. For all these reasons, I gravitate towards a holistic approach that nurtures both mental and physical well-being in my practice.
