Why Creating Change in Relationships Is So Challenging: Understanding Neuroplasticity

Each person brings a lifetime of experiences into relationships including all the unresolved traumas, behaviors, and ingrained beliefs from those experiences. Recognizing the extent to which our subconscious influences our relationships helps illuminate why change can be so difficult.

The Subconscious Mind and its Resistance to Change

The subconscious mind operates as a powerful force, strongly resistant to change and favoring the comfort of familiar patterns, even harmful ones.

When individuals connect in romantic relationships, their distinct subconscious patterns interact in the background, creating a unique dynamic that can often lead to complex and conflict-ridden exchanges: Partners fears, unresolved issues, unmet needs, and protective mechanisms all pour out and interact in such a way that they create confusing clashes and misunderstandings. While it may seem like conflicts arise from immediate, everyday issues—like finances, communication problems, or household chores— the reality is that people may be reacting to current issues in ways that are heavily influenced by their past experiences.

Case study

A couple, Sarah and Michael, frequently found themselves arguing about finances. It always started with small things, like whose turn it was to pay for dinner or saving money for a vacation. On the surface, these issues seemed trivial, but the arguments often escalated into heated discussions filled with frustration and hurt feelings.
One evening, after a particularly tense conversation about their budget, Sarah stormed out of the room, feeling overwhelmed. Michael was left confused and hurt, wondering why a simple discussion about money could turn into such an explosive fight. He felt compelled to follow her, hoping to clarify things, but this seemed to just amplify the rift.
In therapy, Sarah reflected on the argument. She had grown up in a household where money was always tight, and her parents frequently fought over finances. The fear of not having enough created a sense of instability. When Michael suggested saving for a vacation, it triggered feelings of insecurity and scarcity from her past. Throughout her life, she had learned to cope with financial anxiety by avoiding discussions about money altogether.
Meanwhile, Michael discovered that his own anxiety about finances stemmed from his his parents constant preoccupation with money. Unlike Sarah, he coped by obsessively planning and overanalyzing their financial situation. That gave him a sense of control.
In that moment when Sarah left him, Michael's coping mechanism of planning was disrupted. He sought to engage further in the conversation (his protective response), which inadvertently triggered Sarah’s avoidance response. As a result, Michael felt abandoned and alone while Sarah felt overwhelmed and flooded with emotions. Both needed to feel safe.
This cycle of reactions between them reflects how their history and subconscious patterns shaped their interaction, turning what might seem like simple discussions into complex emotional clashes.

The Science Behind Change: Neuroplasticity

Understanding neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to reorganize and adapt throughout our lives—can provide insight into why creating lasting change in our subconscious and consequently, our relationships can be so challenging.

While neuroplasticity points to change being possible, it also underscores how ingrained habits can be, often making it difficult to break free from long-standing thought patterns and behaviors.

The Mechanics of Neural Circuits

Neuroscience reveals that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are governed by intricate networks of neurons interconnected through trillions of synapses. Each experience reinforces specific neural pathways, creating habits that result in automatic responses. Whether it's learning to ride a bicycle or reacting defensively in a relationship, the more we repeat certain thoughts, feelings, or actions, the deeper these neural circuits become entrenched in our brains. Yes, even thinking a certain way for an extended period can evolve into an automatic belief pattern that is challenging to change.

Importantly, the brain does not discriminate between harmful and helpful behaviors; it simply strengthens repeated behaviors, thoughts, and feelings into stronger and stronger neural circuits. Consequently, when people develop automatic responses to relational dynamics, it can be quite challenging to alter these ingrained habits.

The Role of Attachment Styles

Many of our ingrained relational behaviors and thought patterns can be linked to early childhood experiences that influenced our attachment styles. Individuals with secure attachment patterns often develop neural circuits that enable them to navigate relationship challenges with resilience. For example, a child who observed their family effectively repairing conflicts may carry that blueprint into their adult relationships, using those learned skills when faced with difficulties. On the other hand, individuals with insecure attachments may carry maladaptive responses into adulthood, resulting in ongoing cycles of insecurity and conflict.

These unresolved emotional wounds can act as “buttons”—triggers that provoke strong reactions. When pressed, these buttons cause us to revert to old thought patterns and behaviors, activating the neural pathways reflecting our past self-defense strategies. Couples may unknowingly find themselves in battles not just against each other but with parts of their pasts.

Interaction of Automatic Behaviors

As we saw with Michael and Sarah above, lot of the times, our wounds and protective responses can interact and compound the situation. For instance, a child who experienced neglect may grow into an adult who feels insecure in close relationships, causing them to instinctively pull back during intimate moments. This withdrawal can trigger their partner's own wounds—perhaps rooted in fears of abandonment or inadequacy—prompting a defensive reaction. Such dynamics can create a cycle of miscommunication and emotional distance, where both individuals are seemingly reacting to the present while simultaneously grappling with unresolved issues from their pasts.

In these scenarios, people may not even recognize the root causes of their emotions. They might think they are reacting to the current situation, but instead, they are often engaging with echoes of their past. This phenomenon can lead to entrenched patterns where each partner inadvertently reinforces the other's insecurities and fears.

Neuroscience of Reactivity

At a neuroscience level, when a person feels threatened, emotional triggers, especially ones that have a long history, can activate the amygdala, the brain’s fear center. This primitive response can bypass higher-level cognitive functions in the frontal lobe, which are responsible for empathy and problem-solving. As a result, these automatic reactions can create emotional distance between partners.

The following model illustrates how couples attachment wounds interact and how certain protective mechanisms reinforce negative cycles.

For instance, if one partner feels threatened—due to perceived criticism or vulnerability—they might instinctively withdraw. This withdrawal can trigger the other person’s fear of abandonment, prompting a reactive chase in response;

Conclusion

Despite these inherent challenges, it’s essential to acknowledge our ability to change and adapt. When individuals make a conscious choice to respond differently—such as staying engaged during vulnerable moments instead of withdrawing—they begin to forge new neural pathways.

Breaking cycles necessitates awareness and intentional effort; it involves recognizing how past experiences shape present responses and actively choosing different behaviors. Couples can benefit from communication strategies that prioritize vulnerability and openness, fostering a safe environment where both partners feel heard and understood. (An exercise to help with this is included here at the Bottom)

This process requires patience and consistent practice, as establishing these new connections takes time. By fostering awareness, individuals can break free from automatic responses, leading to more intentional and thoughtful interactions.

All in all, the interconnectedness of relationships while it forms a great challenge, it also contains an opportunity: the opportunity for mutual corrective experiences as these new experiences can alter not only neural connections but also gene expression, a phenomenon known as epigenetics. This means creating new healing relational experiences that can have profound and lasting effects on how our brains function and develop. With sustained effort over time, even deeply rooted habits can be reshaped. By consistently choosing healthier responses, we can cultivate deeper connections and foster more resilient, fulfilling relationships.

Exercise

Identifing Automatic Behaviors and Emotional Triggers

Another helpful framework for understanding the interaction of our automatic behaviors is Dr. Scott Woolley’s Infinity Loop model. Scott Woolley, PhD, utilizing Emotion Focused Therapy, EFT, first introduced the Infinity Loop in order to help couples identify the negative habits that perpetuate dissatisfaction.

Here is a modified graph (I’ve include attachment wounds from the past in the infinite cycle):

Start at A on either side and follow around. *A, B, and C happen on a deeper, more subconscious level. D,E,F are generally occur more external (what your partner can see:*

Follow these steps, along with the accompanying visuals, to help identify the negative cycles in your relationship:

Step A: “I long for…” – What is the fundamental need you have from your partner at this moment? What are you seeking? For example: “I long to feel loved and valued.”

Step B: “I feel…when my longing goes unfulfilled” – What is the primary emotion you experience when your need from Step A is not met? For example: “I feel sad and insecure when I sense that I’m not a priority for you.”

Step C: “This pain feels familiar. The historical pain and beliefs this brings up for me is… for example- “my parents always criticized me and it made me feel I was never enough”

Step D: When my vulnerable feelings become overwhelming, I respond by…” – How do you typically act in response to those thoughts and feelings? For example: “I become angry and pull away from you.”

Step E: In those moments, my perception of myself is…” – How do you view yourself during these times? For example: “I feel taken for granted and believe I shouldn’t make myself available to you.” These could be beliefs that originated as a child.

Step F: “As a result, my way of coping is…which triggers my partner’s wounds” – What behaviors do you exhibit in response to your feelings that affect your partner? For example: “I tend to shut down completely, leaving my partner confused, or I initiate a conflict over a minor issue from the past.”

This graph will allow you and your partner to externalize your cycle. This approach allows your partner to gain insight into your inner experiences and feelings. Additionally, it enables you to discover your partner's emotions and desires regarding the relationship. With this newfound awareness, open communication can flourish, leading to a deeper understanding between both of you. Consequently, you and your partner can collaborate to modify behaviors and enhance your relationship.

The Path to Transformation

Overcoming this tendency toward inertia—especially when two individuals must shift together to break the automatic conditioning that triggers each other—can be particularly difficult.

References

Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. NY: Ballantine.
Fishbane, M.D. (2013). Loving with the brain in mind: Neurobiology & couple therapy. NY: WW Norton.
Ratey, J.J. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain. NY: Little, Brown & Co.]
Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself. NY: Viking.